Don't you just love one liners? Don't you wish you'd thought of them?
A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
When I met Mr. Right I had no idea his first name was Always.
Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.
I always wanted to be the last guy on earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Money won't buy friends but you get a better class of enemy.
Imagine if there were no hypothetical situations?
I don't consider myself bald. I'm just taller than my hair.
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy and the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you are still a rat.
Give a man a fish and he has food for a day. Teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them.
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
Deep down, I'm pretty superficial.
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for the coffin.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Have you noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac.
From the great Yogi Berra; "I really didn't say everything I said."
And finally: It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.